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Disclaimer: This blog is written for Christian singles and not believers who are married to unbelievers. In terms of marriage, I believe wholeheartedly in 1 Peter 3, which encourages the believer to win their spouse over through their godly living.
Relationship goals! We all have them. For some, the mark of achieving relationship goals is building wealth together like Jay-Z and Bey. For another, it’s having a football team together like the Brady Bunch.
However, in the context of Christianity, relationship goals often has an added element. Spiritual unity. This looks like having a spouse to grow and build with spiritually. You know, someone that’s not afraid to get on them knees to pray for you. Someone to fast and read your Bible with. But most of all a person who loves God just as much, if not more than you do.
These relationship goals are beautiful but for some, these questions still arise.
- Can I experience my happily ever after by dating an unbeliever?
- Is it a sin to be unequally yoked?
- If that person loves me, what is the big deal with being unequally yoked?
We are about to get into all of that. But in order to gain a proper understanding of what being unequally yoked really means, we need to understand its origin.
What Does It Mean To Be Unequally Yoked?
In Biblical times, farming was much more common than in present times. Oxen were the primary animals used for plowing due to their strength. This strong animal would pull loads of hay, logs, and other material.
Naturally, if two oxen were placed together, they would be able to pull more load than just one ox. As a result, a yoke was placed around the neck of two oxen “yoking” them together.
As entertaining as it might have been, the farmers did not just play “Innie Minnie Miny Mo” and select two oxen at random. Rather, there were certain criteria set in place before yoking two oxen together. The two oxen had to be of similar size and strength to ensure the oxen could effectively pull the loads equally.
Farmers learned the hard way that when one ox was weaker than the other, the movement of the load was hindered. By one ox pulling strongly on one side and the other ox being too stubborn to move, the end result was both oxen moving in circles.
In the process of going in circles or getting nowhere, sometimes the animals became frustrated and began fighting and even bruising each other. Imagine that!
The difference in compatibility and strength caused both animals to experience challenges which could have been avoided if they were simply equally yoked.
This is a clear picture of what an unequally yoked relationship looks like.
Challenges With Dating An Unbeliever
I want to start by saying dating a fellow believer does not mean that your relationship will be void of challenges and difficulties. There are many factors that go into developing a healthy relationship. Salvation alone does not solve all of our trauma, differences in upbringing, or weaknesses.
However, what I can say is there are unique challenges that will arise when dating an unbeliever as opposed to a believer. I’ll lay out a few.
The Spiritual Gap
The moment a believer gives their life to Jesus, there is a spiritual awakening that thrusts us into Jesus becoming the center of our lives. There is a deep longing for all things Jesus. We want to live for him, please him, and experience the life He has set out for us.
An unbeliever, on the other hand, would not have this desire for God. Sure that person may believe God exists and may even be supportive of your faith. However, there will still be a spiritual gap that exists. As badly as that person may want to, it will be difficult for them to understand what you are experiencing spiritually because they have not experienced it personally.
Actually, it’s impossible for a person who is not spiritual to understand the matters of the spirit.
The scripture says this:
But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means.
-1 Corinthians 2:14 (NLT)
Imagine coming home from a service where you had a life-altering encounter with God. You know the kind. The services when God literally steps in the room and snatches your edges off. What about when God drops a revelation or word in your spirit that sends you through the roof with excitement.
Naturally, you will desire to share with the person closest to you. The person you are dating and developing intimacy with. While this person can listen and be supportive, it does not negate the spiritual gap that exists.
It will be hard for that person to dissect, conversate, and even challenge the spiritual things you are experiencing simply because they will not get it.
On the other hand, a believer will be better equipped to engage with you spiritually, because the spiritual gap would be much smaller than with an unbeliever.
The Wrong Source
Anyone that has been in a relationship for any length of time knows that relationships are not all sunshine and rainbows. I know the cute pictures on Instagram say otherwise but *In My Maury Voice*… The lie detector test determined that was a lie 😛😂.
Tests, trials, and hard times will come for everyone in one form or another. Everyone! It is during these times of weakness we lean into and rely on our source (whatever it is) for strength.
- For some, when the going gets rough, they rely on Netflix.
- For another, a quick swig of alcohol.
- Someone else may turn to work as a means of distraction.
The believer who is truly after the heart of God turns to one place. The Source, God Himself. Ideally, the believers’ time will likely be spent searching for answers through prayer or godly counsel.
In the face of relationship hardship, who is the unbeliever’s source? How does that person cope with inevitable life challenges? If that source is not God, then honey, you will probably be in big trouble.
There is sound wisdom that comes attached to a relationship with God, simply because as we lean on God, He continues to direct our path. He shows us which way to go when we are lost, confused, and the road gets rough.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
- Proverbs 3:5-6
Unfortunately, a person who does not rely on God as their source is more likely to mishandle or fumble when the going gets tough.
Fruit After Its Kind
People have told me for many years, I am a replica of my mother. Granted my mother and I do not favor each other immensely, however, I’ve been told our behaviors are similar. For quite some time, I have been in denial about it, but nowadays, I have come to accept it. Rather than say “I don’t see it”, I would say something like, “Well, I am my mother’s child.”
In my case, the apple did not fall far from the tree. This is usually the case.
A tree can only produce fruit after its own kind and that fruit usually does not stray far off from the tree.
An apple tree can only produce apples.
A believer filled with the Spirit also produces fruit after its own kind (the Spirit). When a believer allows the Spirit of God to lead their lives, there is a manifestation of certain fruits known as the fruits of the Spirit.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
-Galatians 5: 22- 23
On the other hand, an unbeliever does not walk after the spirit. Instead, they walk after the flesh or sinful nature. This is the only way known to them. The flesh also produces some fruits of its own, that is not so pleasant.
“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”
-Galatians 5:19-21 NLT
Of course, I’m not saying every unbeliever is pure evil and will possess every single character trait on the list. Rather, I am saying the probability is much higher of experiencing the burn of fleshly characteristics in a partner when you begin dating an unbeliever.
In most instances, the flesh rules the life of the unbeliever, and the concept of denying the flesh can be foreign.
Don’t believe me? Think about when you were an unbeliever. How much did the flesh rule your life?
While you are in a relationship, undeniably having a partner that exudes and lives a life producing these fruits of the Spirit will be of benefit to you.
The Holy Spirit is constantly guiding, pruning, and steering a believer to walk into the nature of the Spirit. As a believer chooses to walk after the Spirit, this leads to a peaceful life rather than one filled with dysfunction.
So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.
-Roman 8:6
Imagine having a partner that pursues peace. Rather than argue at every opportunity, they exercise self-control. That person is faithful and loving because He has experienced the faithfulness and love of God.
Although still challenged, two believers walking after the spirit will experience a life free of dysfunction, but rather peace.
Differing Values
I know you are probably not thinking this far ahead, but let’s go there for a minute. I’m pretty sure you are probably not just dating for fun. The intent of dating is to one day be married and possibly raise a family. I mean otherwise what else are we doing?
Raising children is not a small undertaking. It is one of the greatest assignments anyone will ever have.
Of course, If you are a believer, you will want your children to experience the greatest gift of all which is a relationship with Jesus Christ. Having a partner united in teaching your children this message makes it much easier simply because you are not divided.
The core spiritual values of two believers will align. In contrast, a believer and unbeliever may be divided with issues such as sex before marriage, partying, and even modest attire.
While having a child with an unbeliever does not mean that your children are doomed to hell (I’m a product of both parents being unsaved), it would be better for your children to have a united example of godly friendship, love, and life.
When raising children with an unbeliever, differing value systems will cause the believer to have to overcompensate. You would have to be more strategic and intentional about setting an example for your children. In other words, the differing values can certainly be an added challenge.
Is It A Sin To Be Dating An Unbeliever?
A very basic definition of sin is to be disobedient to God. If in your heart, you are not at peace about dating an unbeliever, chances are it is God speaking clearly to you and trying to lead you away. To ignore God’s voice and continue is to sin. Therefore I do believe it can definitely be a sin to date an unbeliever — or even a believer.
My advice… Seek God sincerely to know who to date, no matter who it may be. Seek wise counsel. Be open to obey even if God chooses to lead you away. Although your feelings may be screaming otherwise, be cautious not to live in the moment alone.
Think about your future and soberly consider what dating an unbeliever really entails.
There you have it. That’s my dissection of Christians dating an unbeliever.
As I sign off, I want to reiterate. No relationship is perfect and every relationship is tested, even ones with two believers. However, having someone on the same path as you and someone that knows how to fight spiritually is an added benefit that eradicates some challenges that would emerge as a result of being unequally yoked.
You know I’m always praying for you.
As always!
Be strong, Be Courageous, Serve God Wholeheartedly
Gilberta Thompson
P.S. Did I miss any hot points? Let me know in the comments below.
